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Sunday, October 7th, 2007
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For the first three people who reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD - or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less.
The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR livejournal - 'cause its fun to give people stuff.
The first 3 participants win!
You should probably leave me an address as well. In order to receive said something.
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Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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| Time: | 3:23 pm. |
| Music: | death cab for cutie-summer skin. |
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i have a job interview at guitar center. it's not as cool as the record store in downtown dearborn, but it sure beats food services. plus i'll meet cute boys in bands. i'm a sucker for anything acoustic.
i have mixed feelings about a lot of things right now. but i don't have a desire to use, and i'm grateful for that. i'm still crazy as hell, but i'm clean, and that's something.
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man, i can't go see brand new. this fucking BLOWS.
on the bright side, i'm clean. and in long term treatment, probably for the next six months or so.
seriously though, the brand new situation is killing me. i'm so frustrated. they better come back soon, or else i'm going to straight up DIE.
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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
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i am done. really, really done.
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Saturday, February 24th, 2007
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since when do i get to make out with unbelievably hot boys? maybe he's not way out of my league... still, this probably won't end well.
today my dad and i are going out to howel to check out my future car. it's a 93 sable, and i guess the mechanic guy has a little more work to do on the brakes, but in a day or two we can buy it! although i can't fucking drive it until i can save up $500, and if you know me at all, you know it will take me a LIFETIME to save up $500. le sigh.
i've been working out the past couple of days. i'm really going to try to get my fat ass in shape. i want to be healthy, and i want to feel good about my body. i'm sick of feeling so disgusted with myself all the time. something has gotta change.
i guess that's all. i need to go work out and shower, so peace out kids.
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Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
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dude, ever since i read Scar Tissue i've had a serious thing for anthony kiedis. he's a former junkie, an awesome musician, and ridiculously hot. sure, he may have hep c, but i'd still bone him. for sure.
seriously, look how ripped he is. he has great veins, too:
mmmmm...
i think it's obvious that i have nothing better to do with my time.
it's weird how celebrities live in a completely different world than us. like, i'm a cute kid, how come i can't sleep with anthony kiedis? i'll never even come within ten feet of him, probably.
my philosophy teacher told me that he took a poll of his students, asking would they rather publish a classic novel or be britney spears. the majority went with the latter. isn't that ridiculous? no one is going to remember paris hilton or lindsey lohan a hundred years from now, but people will still be reading hemingway and faulkner and austen. well, maybe not jane austen because she blows, but you get my point. everyone's priorities, myself definitely included, are so out of whack it's unbelievable.
anyway, that's all i've got for now. i'd better go work out. the next six months i'm focusing on getting clean, getting in shape, and doing well in school. i also need to find a goddamn job and start playing the piano and guitar again. these are my goals, for a six month probationary period. that's all i'm signing up for.
alright, peace out, kids.
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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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so, long time no update, huh. uh, nothings really new. i hate my life, i'm fat, blah blah blah. i'm considering going back to rehab, if for no other reason than i can't afford to be a fucking drug addict. drugs are expensive man, and after a while it starts costing more than you bargained for. we'll see what happens. our insurance company will probably only give me a week or so, but i suppose that's better than nothing. that's one week clean, one week where nobody has to worry about me dying.
that's all, i'm too distracted by that 70's show to update anymore. the sad thing is i've already seen this episode.
le sigh.
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Friday, February 9th, 2007
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| Time: | 8:18 pm. |
| Music: | the comas. |
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"if you want to keep using, then you can get your whorey, druggie, smokey ass out of here."
my dad isn't going to put up with this anymore. even if it causes my parents to get a divorce, he isn't going to put up with it.
i wish i had the balls to kill myself.
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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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my philosophy professor is so hawt. he dresses cute, likes foreign films, listens the shins, and has actually heard of the comas. he also, apparently, has no qualms with dating students. i'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. we'll see.
things have been crazy lately. i need to change but i don't want to. there is a part of me that wants things to be how they used to be, that still loves terrance. granted, terrance probably thinks i'm a lying junkie now after i accidently lost some of his dope. now i sort of understand what my parents mean when they say that losing your good name isn't worth anything. nobody has any reason to believe me, and not being believed when you're telling the truth is one of the worst feelings ever.
is there anything else out there? i need to at least try. if it sucks, i can go back. but i have to try.
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Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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there are too many memories here. i need to go some place new, some place that doesn't make me sad. i know that it will probably get ruined eventually, but here hurts too much.
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Friday, February 2nd, 2007
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i just took a bath. i've never really been into them before, something about the idea of stewing in my own filth is really off-putting. but this was nice. i feel clean. i haven't got jack shit to do tonight. i really want to go see 'the messengers,' but pretty much everyone i know is a pansy and won't watch scary movies. sweet, i just called liz and we're hanging out tonight! omg i miss her so much. seriously. i love that girl.
man, i'm in a good mood. i've eaten practically my entire weight in junk food today, but i'm still in a good mood. i'm clean, i'm hanging out with my old roomie tonight. plus, last night i hung out with this boy from my speech class. we totally made out. it was super hawt. and he isn't making weight loss a prerequisite to dating him. ahem.
anyway, izzy will be here soon. time to go have a smoke. laters!
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Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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| Time: | 9:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | bright eyes-first day of my life. |
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this weekend was a blast. i haven't slept since friday night, but i feel pretty okay anyway. chicago was fun, although i lost $40.00 cause i'm an idiot. i also just found out that i went over on my phone bill by $70.00 which i really cannot afford. saturday night i crashed at amy's place in lansing. we went over to her boy toy's apt and him and his friend mouth raped me. i'm so not interested in anyone except the two people i'm seeing right now. i actually feel pretty happy right now. this might be the first valentines day that i won't be alone. how fun!
so in a month or so i should have enough money to get a car. that is if t-mobile stops fucking me up the ass. once i get a car i have to move out. my parents (dad) don't want me here anymore. i don't want me here anymore, either. my mom is harboring some really unhealthy resentment towards me and is constantly yelling at me about everything. i've got enough emotional problems on my plate, dealing with her doesn't make it any easier. so i need to decide where i want to go from here. i can't exactly sign a year lease on an apt because i only need a place to stay until may. i'm spending the summer in england, and after that i'm moving to ypsi. i really don't want to go back to the three-quarter house. i'm sick of people telling me what to do. i'm sick of being 19 years old and having a curfew, needing permission slips to spend the night at a fucking friends house, not having boys allowed in the house. it's ridiculous. so hey, does anybody in the livonia area want to let me move in with them for a few months? i'll obviously pay rent, and i don't need anything fancy. a mattress on the floor would do just fine. and i'll be sober, that's for sure. honestly, if anyone can help me out i'd really appreciate it. please IM me if you want to help! AIM- i am a snowboard
anyway, i guess that's all i have to say right now. i've got more shit on my mind but i don't feel like getting into it. i feel like (finally) getting some sleep. later kids.
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Friday, January 26th, 2007
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i'm going to chicago tonight with amy and yakov. amy has a modeling gig in the morning, so yakov and i are going to stay up all night, meeting people and checking out the town. it's going to be awesome. i would like to drink, but i can't because i'm on antabuse. antabuse is a drug that will make me violently ill if i consume alcohol in any form, even cough syrup or cooking wine. i'm talking hospitalizing sick. it also stays in your system for up to 14 days, so i can't have any impromptu relapses.
lately i have been backsliding recovery-wise. i'm not saying that i've been using, but mentally i'm not doing so well.
on the bright side, i have recently met a super cool boy. i guess we're sort of dating. his not technically my boyfriend (yet), but we're not sleeping with other people. i actually really like him, which is weird, because normally i stop liking someone the minute they like me back. or i sabatage our relationship because i subconsciously think i don't deserve to be with them. i'm crazy, if you didn't know. but anyway, i totally dig him. i like hanging out with him, i'm attracted to him, and the sex is good. no complaints in the relationship department. check out my myspace if you want to see what a hot couple we are.
it should be a fun weekend. hitting up chicago tonight, going to a show tomorrow (anthony's band is playing). i'm not sure what's going on sunday. i'll probably be recovering from friday and saturday, possibly hanging out with anthony.
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Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
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i have decided that i am going to england after this semester. brian is the only person that i would've wanted to bring along on my adventure, so i want to go totally alone and meet new people and figure out who i am. that sounds so cheesy, but whatever. starting next week i am going to save up as much of my paycheck as i can, and when the semester is over i'm buying a one way ticket to london heathrow. i'm going to pack a bunch of bugler tobacco, money, my copy of jesus' son and a new book, underwear, deoderant, and a toothbrush. when i get to london i'm going to take a bus to camden town and meet people and stay with them for a few days. then i'll go somewhere else. i will do this until the fall, when i will either go back to EMU or go to the university of derby through EMU's study abroad program.
thanks to chris for giving me this wonderful idea.
i'm sure i can save up a grand by the end of the semester. screw getting a car.
this is going to be an awesome year. i wish brian were around to spend it with me.
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But I never thought youd be a junkie
Because heroin is so passe
Now a-day.
You never thought youd get addicted,
Just be cooler in an obvious way.
I could say, shouldnt you have got
A couple peircings and decided
May-be that you were gay.
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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
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i feel weird. uncomfortable. i'm not sure why.
i'm falling for someone that i really shouldn't be falling for.
my eating is out of control. my life in general is out of control. i think i understand why it is that i must surrender.
on the bright side, i figured out that i only have 4 general education classes left after this semester. i will take 2 spring semester and 2 summer semester at schoolcraft, then i'll go back to EMU as a junior this fall. i still need to figure out what the hell i'm going to do with my life, if i'm going to stick with my major... but i have some time.
i'm stressed out. i hate not being in control. it's probably my least favorite thing.
i've gotta get going, i have an AA meeting at 4. i'll update more later.
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Monday, January 15th, 2007
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i can't believe i just said that.
today is a good day. i started my job, and tomorrow i start school. it'll be nice to be busy. my job is sweet, btw. i answer phones and play on the computer, and, the best part, i get to sit down! i hate standing.
saturday night i met a cute boy. i totally have the hots for him. he's quite a bit older than me, which is no big deal. that just means he'll be better in bed.
i'm in a good mood. i'm trying to eat healthy today. i'm really unhappy with my appearance right now. it's hard not to take drastic measures... i need to do this the right way. the healthy way.
even though i feel pretty positive today i have this underlying feeling of doom. it's weird. i'll feel better soon. things are looking up, they really are. i'll be busy from now on, and three weeks i'm getting a car. a car! holy hell!
anyway, that's all for now. peace out.
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Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
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today i was talking to samantha (my sponsor) on the phone, and she said to me, "i'm so proud of you. you've changed so much." i get so pissed at myself for fucking up, for bingeing, for smoking too many cigarettes, i haven't given myself any credit for the changes i've made. when i walked in the doors of NA i had no intention of quitting using, not heroin, not alcohol. fast forward to four months later and i'm actually trying to fight this. i'm trying to abstain from all substances. that really is a remarkable change.
i'm getting a little better every day.
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Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
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i want my f'ing stuff to come in the mail! jeans, mittens, and a hat. HURRY UP ALREADY!
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Monday, January 1st, 2007
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i just painted my nails. it looks stupid because a) i can't stay in the lines and b) my fingernails are super short and not shaped right. it looks like a boy who painted his nails.
it's going to be very hard to quit smoking. they say it's harder than quitting heroin. no joke. i've had a few today, i'm trying to ween myself off.
i read from the big book today AND did a short work out. i did have a binge, but no purging! i'm making progress. oh and i stayed clean. one day at a time.
tomorrow i'm going to buy a box of hair dye and doing it myself. i paid $30 to get my hair dyed at the beauty school and it came out pretty much exactly the same as it was before. so i'm taking matters into my own hands. wish me luck.
oh, hagan realty served yakov and i with a court summons. theyre actually going to go after us, the bastards. fucking brian, way to die and leave everyone with wreckage.
anyway, that's all i got. peace easy, kiddies.
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